I’ll admit it…Christmas has been getting on my conscience lately. See, back in the day when I considered myself agnostic — before I realized that I was actually not agnostic but an atheist — I felt okay celebrating Christian holidays, including Christmas. I guess I thought (if I thought about it at all) that I was carrying on family traditions, that said holidays had become secularized anyway, and I guess that if there was a remote possibility of there being a god, then celebrating a religious holiday in a similarly remote way was no big deal.

But now things are different. Now I have kids. And kids ask questions. And even if they don’t ask questions, they hear things and repeat things and absorb things. And their Dad and I like to be aware of what they’re hearing and absorbing. We like to talk about it with them. To help them process it, so they can make their own decisions.

And yesterday, our youngest told us, repeatedly, that “Christmas is Jesus’ birthday”. Which is true. I wouldn’t deny it. And I don’t ever have a hard time explaining to my children that Jesus was a person who probably lived, and had some really good things to say about how to live a good life; as did a bunch of other wise people who you should also learn about. And some people believe Jesus was the son of a god, and also the same as a god, but Dad and I don’t believe that. But we want you to ask questions and learn as much as you can so you can make your own decisions about what you believe.

It’s cool. I can do that. I feel good about it. But what I feel all niggly about is actually celebrating Christmas.

It’s because I have this thing about integrity. See, I prefer to have it and more importantly, to model it for my children. Now I’m not so high-horsey that I don’t realize I slip on this one all the time. I sometimes throw plastics in the garbage if I can’t be bothered to rinse them out and carry them down to the recycling box. I use Kleenex instead of handkerchiefs, I drive my car instead of walking when it’s really cold outside.

I know it: I AM FAR FROM PERFECT.

But still. I try. Which, I suspect, is a lot more than many. And that makes me feel a little uncomfortable at this time of year. Verging on hypocritical, actually. Because I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe Jesus (if he existed at all) was divine. I can’t in all honestly call myself Christian. So why celebrate Christmas?

I think about it a lot, and the best I can come up with is this: Christmas has already become very secularized. If it hadn’t, fundamentalist Christians wouldn’t feel the need for slogans like “Jesus is the reason for the season” or “put the Christ back in Christmas”. So, lil’ ol’ me celebrating it in a secular ho, ho, ho Santa-and-family-and-giving-presents kind of way isn’t doing anything that wasn’t already done.

In addition, it is at its core a midwinter festival; a celebration of the winter solstice. Rejoicing that the days have stopped getting shorter, things are turning around, the winter will end and spring will come. The cycle of life turns on and the time of renewal is at hand. Christians over the millennia have simply layered their own nativity myth as a veneer on top of an ages-old pagan festival.

So, from here and for now, it’s family and cultural tradition, secular Santa Claus and a solstice party.

How do you holiday?