Bittersweet
I looked in the mirror this morning and shocked myself with what I saw there. I saw a woman whose forty years weigh heavily in the lines and shadows of her face, a woman whose mouth has been turned down at the corners with bitterness.
Where is the proud, smart, carefree woman I used to be? The woman with smile lines instead of wrinkles, and a sparkle in her eye instead of dark circles underneath? I used to look forward in time and see nothing but a broad road ahead, full of interesting twists and turns and forks; a path blazing with light and possibility. At forty I look back and see the road I travelled and I’m surprised. It’s straight and flat and predictable, and all those forks and twists are dead ends now, choked with weeds and closed to me forever. When I bother to look ahead now, I see a road cloaked in dust. So many have sped ahead of me, finding their paths and blazing their trails that I cannot see my own road anymore.
Instead of energetic and optimistic, I often feel weary and weighted down with responsibility. Instead of turning with interest, I cringe at the sound of my own name being called out. Hearing my name called has failed to be a summons to a fun gathering, an interesting dialogue, an unexpected meeting with an old friend. It is instead another obligation, another need to fill, another responsibility.
I had hoped to feel good and strong at forty. I had hoped to be powerful and optimistic and secure. Instead I find myself at forty feeling bitter and disillusioned. I often feel weak, powerless and without hope for a happy, fulfilling future. I had hoped to make a difference; if not to the world, then at least in some small way. Instead I fear that I have made mistakes, that I have let people down, that I have let myself down.
This isn’t who I wanted to be, this sad, slow and bitter woman. This is who I’ve become but it’s not who I want to be. I want to rise out of adversity and hold my head high with pride again. I want to revel in my own independence and self-sufficiency. I want to give my children all of me because I have it to give, and to spare.
I want to rise out of bitterness and remember — and know — that life is, actually, sweet.
Life IS sweet. It is. But still, I so get this. I do. ***hugs***
Kat everyone feels this way sometimes. I feel this way sometimes. Please know that you are not alone. It can be hard to stop this tape from playing over and over in your head. But try to take the time each day to stop it, and play something else. Play a tape that tells you what you know is also true: You have friends and family that love you. You are smart and witty and a caring individual with a compassionate nature. You have beautiful daughters who may sometimes be challenging but that is the nature of children as they grow and explore their worlds. more often in your head.
You have your WHOLE LIFE ahead of you! Don’t look back, look forward. What I see for you are endless possibilities and dreams fulfilled. This is an opportunity, face it with an open mind and open heart. Only you can decide to “find joy every day”.
I love you. xo
Wow. Thanks for sharing what must have been some tough thoughts to put down. I know how tough it can be sometimes when life is flying by and you feel you only have the energy to just get through the day as is but I am glad you want to change this fact. People always say it is only ourselves who can change our own lives. It is just about setting down a vision of what you want to see on that dusty road ahead. When it clears I know it will look really exciting.